Our Existence
by StarlightKat
Summary: Ichimatsu has an existential crisis and Karamatsu is there to help.
The loss of warmth on Karamatsu's right side of the futon was enough to wake him up from his slumber. With his eyes still closed, he tiredly moved his right arm to search out the person but feeling the loss of his brother put him fully awake. Opening his eyes, he turned his head to see a vacant spot. It was strange that Ichimatsu wasn't on the futon as the rest of his brothers were. He was the one who rarely got out of bed until the late morning.

He probably had gotten up to use the bathroom or to get a drink, but seeing the crack of moonlight on side of the room from the door that lead to the balcony told so otherwise. Curious and albeit worried, Karamatsu shifted his way out of bed and tiptoed to the door. Making sure not to make any noise he slid the door open slightly and closed it shut after reaching outside. Karamatsu immediately shivered at the breeze biting at his skin. He wasn't sure how late it was but seeing most of the lights around the city off hinted him that it must have been way past midnight.

There was still no sign of Ichimatsu in sight but he spotted the wooden ladder propped up against the wall. Now Karamatsu truly wondered what his brother was doing. To confirm his suspicion, he went to the ladder and started climbing it and upon reaching the top, he found a hunched figure on the other side of the roof.

"Ichimatsu?" he whispered.

The noise seemed to have been unexpected as Ichimatsu jolted and whipped his head around to stare at him. Wide eyes soon narrowed into a glare Karamatsu was familiar to, and Ichimatsu turned back around to stare out into the distance. "Go away Shittymatsu," he muttered.

Karamatsu sighed in relief. He found his brother to be in no trouble and he was glad, yet seeing him outside on the roof of their house in the middle of the night was something he couldn't just dismiss so casually. He could listen to his brother and just head back inside into the warm and cozy futon and go back to sleep, back to the dream he had enjoyed instead of outside in the chilly night. Though seeing Ichimatsu still in his pajamas made him wonder if he too was cold and that thought could only mean that something was troubling his brother. He was sitting down with his thighs touching his chest and his arms wrapped around his knees. It was a position that every brother knew in which Ichimatsu was pondering about something.

Pretending he never heard anything, Karamatsu crawled onto the roof and made his way to his younger brother. He heard him click his tongue in irritation but he chose to ignore that too. He sat down next to him, with enough room so that his brother wouldn't possibly push him off the roof, but close enough that he could reach out to him if need be. Pulling his legs to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees, he sat in the same position. Instead of looking at his brother, which he presumed would only piss him off further, he kept his eyes in front of him, overlooking the dim city.

"So, dear brother, what is wrong?" he asked. He swore he could hear Ichimatsu inhale sharply but in the end, he wasn't sure.

"It's nothing, now piss off."

It was dead silent again, and it was starting to make Karamatsu uncomfortable. He supposed he should've been used to Ichimatsu's behavior by now, especially around him, but he was itching to know exactly what he was thinking. He glanced to the left and saw Ichimatsu still facing forward with lazy eyes. He was about turn his attention back in front of him but he caught the way Ichimatsu's eyes glistened. Examining more closely, he noticed that his eyes were wavering slightly and his brows furrowed a bit.

It felt as if someone had squeezed Karamatsu's heart because seeing his younger brother on the verge of crying was something that always pained him. He was about to ask, more like beg, if there was something wrong again but Ichimatsu beat him to it.

"So..." Ichimatsu began and Karamatsu turned his full attention to him, "What did you think about that documentary?"

"Documentary? The one we watched right before we went to bed?"

"Yes Shittymatsu, that damn documentary about space."

Karamatsu could feel the irritation radiating off Ichimatsu so he quickly answered, "Oh yes of course, well I absolutely loved it! It was very informative indeed and I learned quite a lot." Right before going to bed Choromatsu had thought it was a good idea that they all watched a documentary about the wonders of space, saying that it would be a good way to educate themselves if they wanted to find jobs. The others complained but they all ended up watching it together still. He heard Ichimatsu sigh and he wondered if what he said was the wrong answer. "Why? What do you think about it then?" he asked.

Ichimatsu had not once looked in his direction but when he finally did, Karamatsu flinched at the blank stare. "What do you think about your life?" he abruptly asked next, ignoring the question directed at him.

Karamatsu stared at him bewilderedly, "Uh..." He was prepared to answer whatever strange questions his brother would throw at him but that kind of question was something that caught him completely off guard. "What do you mean, brother?"

Squeezing his legs closer to his chest, the younger brother broke eye contact with Karamatsu and stared forward again. He didn't answer right away but he then mumbled, "I feel...I feel like our lives are all meaningless in the end."

 _Whoa_. Karamatsu's mouth went agape. He knew Ichimatsu always had a pessimistic view on pretty much everything but he never thought he would actually be having an existential crisis. It was bizarre to say the least, but he remained quiet and nodded, trying not to ruin the rare conversation Ichimatsu decided to have with him.

Ichimatsu sighed again, a shaky one that time, "We live on such a tiny planet that has no significance in the universe. We do so much just to live but in the end, all life on this earth will perish and the universe will continue what it's been doing. We're so meaningless...just absolute worthless beings." He rested his chin on his knees and clenched his fists, "And that thought scares me..."

Karamatsu stayed staring at him and when it seemed that Ichimatsu wasn't going to continue any further he looked away to what's in front of him again. He inhaled and exhaled once deeply, processing the words his brother had for once decided to share with him. What was he supposed to say to that? Everything Ichimatsu had said was honestly all true. It definitely won't happen anytime soon, but it was a fact that the earth, sun, solar system, and everything else in the universe will one day vanish. It was a fact that Karamatsu was always frightened of but always kept it to himself and he was sure the rest of his brothers and so many other people felt the same way too.

He put his hand behind him on the roof and leaning back, he looked up at the sky. He was grateful to live in an area where he could see so many stars and a few galaxies and asterisms. It was truly a beautiful sight to witness and he thought that Ichimatsu should've been out here to cherish the sight, not silently weep at the meaning of life. He remained quiet and pondered, contemplating the right choice of words, and pointing out specific stars and constellations in his mind seemed to help him with his answer.

"I don't think so."

Karamatsu could practically feel Ichimatsu's eyes on him but he pretended not to notice and continued staring up at the night sky. "We are meaningless," he was blunt and honest, sugarcoating it was something they both wouldn't appreciate, "We humans can do amazing things. We have fascinating technology, we can build, we can save lives, and so much more and we're still constantly learning so many new things."

He paused for a moment to gather his thoughts but he quickly continued as he sensed his brother open his mouth to speak. "Though... in the end it doesn't even matter."

He was pretty much saying that Ichimatsu was right. Even so, he still pressed on, "I understand that life and reality is harsh and hopeless. Yes, we may seem insignificant to this universe and in the end, our existence will completely vanish, but we as a species are part of life. Even life itself might be useless in the end, but that doesn't make it any less mind-blowingly wonderful and fascinating."

He finally tore his eyes away from the sky and looked at his brother. Ichimatsu's eyes were wide and his mouth was slightly agape. He probably didn't even know he was making such a face but Karamatsu didn't dare comment on it. Instead, he grinned at him, a grin so wide and serene. "It is the fact that we get to exist and that we get to be part of something even bigger," he turned his attention back upwards and squinted, "It's one of the reasons why I value my life."

When Ichimatsu didn't reply Karamatsu turned his attention back to his brother to notice that he was still starting dumbfounded at him. "Ichimatsu?" he called out.

His brother seemed to snap out of whatever thought he was in and turned his head the other direction leaving Karamatsu confused. He didn't say anything but he squirmed a little and Karamatsu worried if what he said made him uncomfortable.

"Hnnnn," Ichimatsu hummed as he turned back to him, his smirk in place, "Where'd you learn to say stuff like that?"

Karamatsu faltered, looking down on the roof as he rubbed the back of his head. "I uh...well I-I would sometimes come out here with my guitar when you are all asleep. It's a good time and place to have a moment of peace with myself." He felt somewhat embarrassed admitting it. He had never planned to tell anyone, especially Ichimatsu, so he braced himself for whatever insults he would throw his way.

"That's painful."

 _There it is_ Karamatsu thought but gave a dry laugh anyways in response. Yawning, he scratched his chest absently. His eyes felt heavy and he was still freezing cold. They should both get back inside under the warms covers soon. He was about to make a move but Ichimatsu broke the silence again.

"You...you said that it was one of the reasons why you value your life. So, what is the other reason?" Ichimatsu's expression still looked bored as ever but he could tell that he was genuinely curious.

For Karamatsu it was an easy answer, an answer that he didn't even need to think twice about. Despite the way they always called him painful, ditched him, made fun of him, and overall just ignored him, in the end he was just glad that he was able to be there with them.

His lips formed into a flashy smile as he lifted a hand, giving a thumbs up. "It's that I get to spend precious time with my lovely brothers of course!" Right after saying that, he coughed from the jab in his side.

Ichimatsu glared daggers at him. "Don't say shitty stuff like that ever again, Shittymatsu," he growled, though it lacked the usual threat.

"I...I promise," Karamatsu wheezed, holding his side in pain, "Anyways I think we should go back inside, we're going to catch a cold staying out here any longer." He looked at Ichimatsu only to find his face buried in his knees. "Ichimatsu?" He couldn't see his face but he could barely make out the color of light red on his ears. "Are you okay?" He heard incoherent words in response, "W-What?"

"I said I'm fine," Ichimatsu breathed out.

"A-Ah I see, if that's so then we should head back inside then." Karamatsu stood up and stretched his arms over his head. Looking down at Ichimatsu, he waited for him to get up too but he made no move besides turning his head to stare at him.

"Karamatsu?"

All movements he made stopped. His brother actually called him by his real name than that nickname. It felt all too surreal and Karamatsu swallowed before responding, "Yeah?" He saw Ichimatsu bite his lip and thought that what he was about to say was probably difficult for him so he waited patiently, giving him all the time in the world to speak.

"Is it alright if we could stay here for a little longer?" The longer Ichimatsu spoke the softer he got but Karamatsu managed to hear every word.

His mouth went agape. His brother, the one who hated him the most, asked _him_ of all people if they could stay together out on the roof in the dead of night. Karamatsu felt like he was about to faint from pure joy but he regained his composure and plopped himself back down, this time closer so that they were touching shoulder to shoulder and it seemed that Ichimatsu didn't mind it this time.

"If you tell the others about this I will kill you," Ichimatsu threatened before focusing his attention up at the stars.

Karamatsu hummed in response and looked in the same direction, "Of course brother, this will be a secret just between us."

After all, it was a moment that he wanted to keep between only them.

* * *

 _A/N: Well this was something that suddenly came to my mind during one night. I'm sure all the brothers thought about this at one point but I think Ichimatsu is the one that thinks about it the most. Topics like this always come to me to the point that I actually cry so it feels nice getting something out of my head._

 _I hope you enjoyed reading this and if you did please leave a review! It motivates me to write more! Thanks for reading! :D_


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